'Fear and I were born twins'*

 

“Fear and I were born twins”

It is reported that the great English philosopher Thomas Hobbs enjoyed saying the words: fear and I were born twins together. I was introduced to these words recently by my dear colleague Sh. during a heart-to-heart conversation. The impact of these words on me was immediate and deep. I investigated the words and circumstances and found out that Thomas Hobbs stated his mother gave birth to him prematurely, in panic, after finding out that the Spanish Armada was about to attack England in 1588. Interestingly, he was born in April and the Spanish Armada appeared on English seas in July of 1588. It didn’t make sense in the historical time line. She couldn’t have known and been affected by something nobody knew about for months.

According to psychological research and Paul Eckman, fear is one of the universal, primary emotions. It is considered a negative emotion, but in fact it activates the responses that are essential to survive. Fear is often mistakenly quoted as the opposite of courage. Fear appears along with the threat of being harmed physically, emotionally or psychologically and aims to keep us safe. Commonly distinguished, there are three types of fear. Rational, where the threat is real and imminent. Primal, that refers to the innate program in our brain that has been wired by experiences of our ancestors in order to keep us safe. Irrational, fear that doesn’t make sense and varies from person to person, like phobias. Fear can be experienced as an intensely unpleasant emotion that lasts for a moment or a duration that might be much longer or permanent. Anticipatory fear relates to the perceived danger of threat or harm in the future.  Research states that if a person is equipped with coping skills, the fear diminishes or disappears. It also works the opposite way – if the person is not equipped with coping skills – the fear intensifies. The intensity of fear has been named using following emotional states: trepidation, nervousness, anxiety, dread, desperation, panic, horror, terror. Fear can appear as the result of a surprise and according to Paul Eckman, often oscillates with the experience of anger. 

Physical symptoms of fear manifest by increased productions of cortisone and adrenaline, blood pressure and heart rate are amplified, even blood flow changes by flowing away from the heart and into limbs – in order to support running for your life or defending yourself through physical fight. According to research, prolonged impact of fear manifest itself onto the body: impaired formation of long-term memories, low immunity, cardiovascular damage, gastrointestinal problems, decreased fertility, premature aging and death.

Fear and anxiety are very closely linked. Anxiety is experienced by anybody at certain points of life, like existential fear experienced by the majority of people during life transitions and most of us can manage it. A disproportionate and constant experience of anxiety, overthinking and worrying that interferes with everyday life leads to anxiety disorders and other mental health issues. If fear persists and a person worries constantly about something known (fear of known) or not known (fear of unknown), professional help is needed.

People are afraid of all sorts of things. There are rational threats like being verbally assaulted and threatened, discovering a fire in the house, participating in an accident. Primal fears inherited throughout of generations include: fear of the dark, predators, height, isolation and death. Irrational fear is something that control one’s life and the lifestyle has to be changed in order to manage that fear, like agoraphobia.

Is fear real or a choice?

An abundance of research agrees that fear is a complex human emotion that is needed and often positive because it keeps us safe. Living in fear is often a choice people make because of conditioning or circumstance. Sometimes it is beyond their control, like living in countries ran by dictators. Sometimes making a decision to live a fear-free life is more difficult than living in fear, or living a life that is unhappy because making a decision to change things appears impossible due to a fear of the unknown. My dear grandmother told me a few weeks ago that she could never divorce her husband because she feared she wouldn’t manage life after that. I have never understood how such an intelligent, resourceful, hardworking woman, who have experienced and overcame difficult dynamics of family and class constellations, atrocities of war, trauma, punishment of life in communism, and other struggles believed she could not manage on her own. I totally believe the fear kept her captive and never allowed her to break free....Despite of this, she also said she was very proud of her 3 granddaughters, who had the courage to divorce their husbands. My grandmother thinks we did it to honour her.

How many people can relate to those words: “Fear and I were born twins”?  Is it a human condition, a given that we are born with, unseparated, but only some of us, like Thomas Hobbs, are obstructed by it? I think about what the mother of Thomas Hobbs could have feared before giving birth to him. It is mentioned that his father abandoned the family when Thomas Hobbs was a boy. I wonder if his mother feared this could have happened long before it had actually happened? Or was she frightened by other events in her life that impacted the production of oxytocin that carried transgenerational trauma into her baby? This rings many bells.

Many ways of dealing with fear have been identified. If we agree that not everything is under our control and we have to leave room for scary surprises and deal with them, when they occur, we have a great chance to live a relatively fear-free life. I cannot predict someone popping out from around a corner and giving me a fright. But I can manage it. In counselling/psychotherapy, we can explore what we are afraid of, what is holding us back and develop tools and skills to combat the fear and move on with our life.

Educating oneself on fear and coping skills has been plentifully presented in many self-help books.  One that I read over 20 years ago and will always recommend to others is ‘Feel the fear and do it anyway’ by Susan Jeffers. The main message Susan Jeffers offered in her bestselling book is: an encouragement to acknowledge that fear is part of life and we can’t get rid of fear permanently. What we can do is to challenge the fear and take actions despite it. That concept reminds me of the teachings of Tara Brach, who speaks a lot about difficult emotions.

In Buddhist psychology, as explained by Tara Brach, the demonic God Mara represents fear, amongst many other distressing emotions. Mara tried to intimidate Siddartha, after successfully having frightened his disciples. Siddartha said ‘I see you Mara’ and it disempowered terrible Mara. Buddha acknowledged fear as unseparated from human existence. Tara Brach recommends to invite Mara for a cup of tea and to become friends. In other words: feel the fear and don't try to control it. We should get to know our fears and accept them for what they are. Unfaced fear become toxic.

Recently my dear Rain Partner J. shared the following poem with me. I feel it would be very appropriate to quote it here.

She let go by Rev. Safire Rose

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3cmmFwjlS24