Some thoughts on loss and grief

 

The world is saturated in loss. There are many losses that can happen in life cause by different circumstances. Grief is a response to the loss of someone or something, given there was a connection or a bond. Loss and grief happen globally and constantly. Loss and grief are acknowledged and expressed in a diverse spectrum of ways, depending on culture.

Sometimes actions cause consequences that bring unimaginable loss. When I think of loss, what comes to mind is the biblical story of Adam and Eve, who lost the paradise. As a child I could not comprehend the severity of punishment they experienced, the pain and the hardship that followed curiosity. God’s Law. The story of Adam and Eve and Paradise lost has been interpreted in many ways throughout the centuries.

Long ago their story didn’t make sense to me but with time, metaphorically I saw Adam and Eve in all these people who lose freedom or good name after committing a crime or breaking laws and rules. Loss and grief in the biblical story were experienced by both parties. People lost the paradise and never-ending happiness and privilege. God lost blind followers, vision and power. No win. Like in real life, when something I mentioned above happens.

There are many losses a person can experience in their lifetime. It has been widely agreed that the worst loss to experience is to lose a dear person to death. Losing a loved person to death is the most painful and stressful event in life. Circumstances can vary and make that loss somehow smoother or maybe somehow more complicated, nevertheless it has a long-lasting impact on wellbeing.

There are many losses in life that can be extremely hard to cope with and to move on from. Sometimes mourning never ends, and the loss can never be accepted and healing never happens.  Losing love or a romantic relationship is very tough. In the same way, losing a family member or a family to conflict or estrangement is bad, regardless of who caused it. So is the loss of health through illness or injury, or the loss of a job and income. Financial losses after sacrifices. Loss of friends, support and trust. Loss of home, safety, things that are familiar. Loss of home country and sense of belonging. Loss of youth and beauty. Loss of identity and purpose. Loss of good name and reputation. A very wise man I had the privilege of knowing said: in deep depression people lose hope that things will never change or improve. He said he lost hope, but he never lost wonder. He kept wondering if it is possible to overcome the obstacle. Depression is linked with loss.

There are lots of losses happening every day in our world. Kind of beyond our control, but not fully. Kind of far, but close enough to create anxiety of apprehension. We observe climate change with anger. We hear about the atrocities happening to people in Palestine and many other countries torn apart by wars or greed of psychopathic leaders. We hear about people trying to escape to a better life and being trafficked and sold instead. We see people sleeping in tents and freezing to death in the richest and most developed countries. Some of us don’t want to see it, hear it, or talk about it. Some of us indulge in distractions that leave no room to think about losses in our world. Some of us feel guilty for having a decent life. Some of us are numb from the upset. Some of us try to bargain and do the right thing or their bit. The bigger picture we are all connected to with invisible links is full of losses.

Counselling and psychotherapy offer philosophies explaining how grief works and how we can understand, process it and give it meaning. There are many names behind frameworks including: Elizabeth Kubler Ross, W.J. Worden, Stroebe and Shut, Tonkin, Boss, Neymeier, and David Kessler.

 

I, too experienced many losses in my life. Loss is the underlying reason along with trying to make sense of it, for choosing my profession. I was bereaved a few times; every time grief knocked me down or captured me differently. After my close friend died suddenly in 2013, I was in shock for a while and for a long time after I felt a hole in my heart. The hole was so big that wind could blow through it. After losing my grandmother, I wailed for a long time and when I stopped, I noticed that a big part of my world died too and suddenly I was not the person I used to be.

Tonight, for the first time in years I am writing while overflowing with sorrow and helplessness. For a long while, when I wrote something it was descriptive or reflective but not driven by pain. Tonight, I am beginning to mourn one my dearest friends.

My friend is one of a kind. She can’t speak but communicates everything clearly. She can’t read but is the best reader of a room. She can’t count but makes no mistakes estimating things. She owns nothing, but her generosity has no limits. She sleeps in the corner, but acts as if she ruled the world.

She picked me one sunny, spring day at the beginning of the year of the Dragon. Unexpectedly our paths crossed there and then. It was not her I looked for and it was not her I would ever imagine to find. But it was her who decided to take charge of things. It was her, who stole my heart from the very first time I saw her. We came to pick a dog from a breeder. She was ‘a half cast’ and perhaps one of the most beautiful dogs you have ever seen. The one that when people see, they stop to express their awe. That sunny, spring day she ran through a muddy field when the breeder called the dogs. She ran fast, despite her very young age and overtook all other dogs. She run straight to me, jumped on me and when picked her up, I felt her little, quickly beating heart, underneath her muddy fur… and that was it. Our hearts aligned and I never let her go, despite that soon after a disturbed person tried to take her away from me, claiming the ownership.

She became my close friend, companion, collaborator and secret keeper. Many times, we walked through rain and storms, feeling like superheroes. She had an infinite amount of energy and kept me fit for years. Many times, she offered support and joy when I could not see a silver lining around the dark clouds. Many times, she felt she was in charge of the pack that me and my family consisted of and took the mission of protecting us from what she perceived as the evil forces of this world. We all fit in her big heart. Her beauty was accompanied by a caring, gentle nature, especially with kids and other creatures she considered vulnerable. We all had a special connection with her but I can only speak about me here and now. She and I matured together. We both got bigger and heavier. I got some wrinkles; she got some silver hair around her nose. I got my first glasses; she lost interest in mischief.

My friend was perfectly imperfect. As good as she was with kids, that bad she could be with perceived danger or perpetrators of it. There were a few incidents that caused some consequences.  There were also moments when her stubbornness caused pressure and hassle. There was some damage done to material possessions, especially in her youth. But never have I ever looked back and regretted taking her. She always made amendments for her misdoings and misbehaviours. We were a team. She has given me and us unimaginable love and loyalty, comfort and fun. Times and times and times and times. I did wonder a few times, how my life would be, if I didn’t have her. I could never imagine it and always quicky snapped out of thinking about it. The thought of it was deeply disturbing and upsetting.

Tonight, unimaginable became certainty. Tonight, my mind is full of these thoughts. Tonight, I keep crying in desperation and hopelessness. Tonight, no bargaining or fooling is going on. Tonight, I had to accept the reality of what is happening. We have lost her. I am under no circumstances accepting the loss. The year of the Dragon began again, 12 years passed fast. Life made a full circle.