Sharing is Caring
I was always into reading books and listening to music, especially ambitious, interesting, cultural reading and non-mainstream music. I used to buy a book or a record/cd for people as gifts for different occasions, especially for my younger brother at every occasion presented. My brother loved the music and showed a great interest until a certain time. Reading was never a major interest of his, but he read occasionally. A few times he commented about my intensions in relation to his gifts. He said: you gave me stuff you wanted for yourself. I must admit, I didn't understand why he would think that, I was slightly puzzled, then offended. I felt it was very unfair of him to say that. At the end of the day, he expressed how he felt about my gifts. Everyone has the right to voice their opinions, whether we like it or not. I certainly didn’t like what I had heard from him. I didn't know how to respond. For years I have been practicing to be reflective, not reactive. I didn't respond until the day the answer finally came to my mind. I thought of many other instances of gift giving and receiving, charity donations, power struggles, control, manipulation – suddenly I saw so much danger behind giving and so on. The intentions behind it. The conversation with my brother resumed. I said: I was sharing stuff with you because I care. I gave you books to educate you, to show you something that otherwise you might have not found. I shared records with you that I loved and thought you might like too. I have never used them before, or taken them from you after. After hearing, that he was speechless for a few minutes (quite unusual reaction from my brother). I never thought of that, he said. I always suspected some selfish agenda behind it… he said. What he said made perfect sense.
Many times after that, I reflected on the relationship between sharing
and caring. At the beginning, I thought there was only truth: I share because I
care. With time, I discovered that there were different types of sharing. It
may come from good intentions, to show care. So many things can be shared:
special moments, wisdom, resources and time, to name a few. Sometimes people
want to share something like intentions and some of them really care and pray
or meditate. Others just say it to feel better. Another form of sharing can be
beyond someone’s control – like sharing the same upbringing, or sharing the
same good or bad treatment at work, or sharing the experience of Covid-19 or experiences.
Something like responsibility for a project, company or joined custody over
children can be shared. The darker side of sharing is when one shares to appear
as a great philanthrope on the surface, but really does it to manipulate or to cover
something up.
Often, we try to share things with others with good intentions. Caring
by sharing is based on the idea that we share things we love or find helpful or
exciting. In this instance, the very act of sharing has something noble or spiritual
about it. We help others to grow. Other people might say they love what was
shared with them, but may discard it in the shed, in the boot of their car or in
the charity shop (charity shops are full of loving, shared ideas). Or, we think
the treasures we share are misunderstood or not appreciated, or dismissed.
People might not be ready for it. Or the sharing is too extreme and makes
people uncomfortable. I experienced this with my friend, who converted to a
certain religion and was so elated that she wanted to share that euphoria with
everybody, but came across as pushy.
Sharing and receiving is connected to
giving and taking. There is actually a small difference. Sharing a cake at a
birthday party does not equal to giving it away, the same way receiving
compliments does not equal taking them. This way or another, sharing and
receiving and giving and taking may be tricky if there is no balance between
those actions. I feel everyone can think of a person who is always giving,
wanting nothing in return. They might get a buzz from giving and embracing the
joy they create. Others might like to feel better about themselves by using
giving as a form of self-affirmation. Sometimes giving and attending to the
needs of others helps to forget about ourselves and all the unpleasant things
we might feel about ourselves. Sometimes giving is triggered by not wanting to
feel guilty or selfish. Sometimes it is provoked too. Sometimes we might be
pushed or manipulated to give or share.
I admit I used to give a lot, often. I
got a buzz out of it and also felt better about myself. Often, I heard the
voice of intuition or common sense telling me: don’t do it, it’s ok to say no. A
difficult experience. I did it at my own expense following this false spiritual
belief I had that that everything happens for a reason, meaning that this person
needs me and I have to help. I wasn’t able to stop. Finally, I understood that my beloved
daughter paid the price too. I often was not available for her emotionally or
otherwise. She was too unintentionally involved through me helping. Gosh. I
wish I changed my belief system sooner…
I also admit that at the same time, I
was not good at taking, asking and receiving. I did not really believe I could
say ‘no’ and set boundaries. I felt that by helping others I could help myself,
and it justified not getting anything in return. From my current perspective, I
feel it is an unhealthy mindset that feeds on low self-esteem or some sort of
distorted thinking. I realized a good while ago that this way was not working
for me. I changed it. It has been a long non-linear process. Some habits die
hard. Still, I will never change the new ways I developed: the balance in
sharing/receiving and giving/taking.
In my role of supporting others I met quite
a few people who kept giving and sharing until they burned out and had nothing
else to share and have for themselves. It is wrong. Partially I could relate to
what they were going through. The complexity of wanting to help and not having the
guts to set boundaries simutaneously. I am reminded of a volunteer who after
recovering from a mental health breakdown wanted to support others who were in
recovery. They kept giving and giving and giving. They were asked and asked and
asked. They could not say ‘no’ or ‘stop’. They had another breakdown out of
exhaustion. It was so wrong. It takes an awful long time to recover. I hope
they never went back to their ways.
Helping is good, when regulated. You
can’t give your time and energy endlessly. It is not fair to be asked all the
time to help, some people (strangely enough the big givers) feel unworthy if
they stop giving. I remember reading a book about the life and work of Mother
Teresa of Calcutta. The Saint and the Giver. I was absolutely shocked reading
that Mother Teresa would retire around 6pm to rest and recharge her own
batteries. To eat and to mediate. She had the wisdom that said giving energy
has to be regulated. Think about what they say when you are on a plane that is
about to take off. In case of an emergency put the mask on yourself first
before making an attempt to help anyone else.
There is a great value in sharing and
giving. By helping others, you help yourself. No doubts about that, however
don’t forget to do it wisely and practically. Don’t keep giving others baskets
of fish, give them a boat or a rod and teach them how to fish. Leave them to
it. This is balance and good energy exchange.
Small children are taught to share. It
comes easier for some and more difficult for others. Selfishness might be the
polar opposite to sharing but it is at the core of human nature. Humans have a
natural tendency to be selfish – I feel it is some how related to the survival
instinct. Be a little selfish every now and again. It will do you good. If you
struggle with the word ‘selfish’ apply self-care instead (More in Self-care is
not Selfish’).
In 2012, I took my first journey to
Dzogchen Beara in Allihies, West Cork (https://www.dzogchenbeara.org/). Staying there and
participating in activities was my first introduction to Metta and Loving
Kindness that I practice ever since. One of the best things that had ever happened
to me and was instrumental in changing my unhealthy habits of thinking. The
practice of it led to my understanding of the balance between sharing and
caring and how to do it to the greatest benefit of all involved. I will not
tell you anything more, I encourage you to explore it yourself. You might start
by experiencing the following:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3STenfbpZbI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpSDtws_o44
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sy7FfZ_x2tY
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