Crossroads

 

As we all know, crossroads are where two or more roads cross. We have to take a right, a left, go straight, go around, make a U-turn or go wherever needed in order to bring us to our destination. In the collective consciousness, crossroads are a metaphor for a point in life where a crucial decision has to be made. The decision made will have long-term consequences and may impact our life hugely. In recent times the whole world witnessed many people in Ukraine making a choice to stay or to go. They were at the crossroads, literally and metaphorically. So were many politicians who were deciding  whether to help or not.

 

There is something about crossroads that have fascinated people for a long time. Across times and cultures, people have associated crossroads with a similar thing – decision making and moving on. In ancient Greece, crossroads were representatively connected to the underworld and by conducting certain rituals, one could be blessed by Hecate or Hermes. Similarly, in the Bible crossroads were the point where God would guide people through and help them find the right path. People of good faith only. Following that, folklore around the world considered crossroads to represent locations ‘between worlds’, where spirits could be consulted. This has been described in the story of Faust, who drew magical circles on the crossroads and made a pact with the devil. The idea of getting supernatural help, be it good or bad, spread around European, African and South American cultures. Celtic Tribes in Europe used to leave offerings to Gods in order to get protection while travelling.

 

My grandmother told me a very sad story once. It was about her mother trying to save her older sister. She was told to walk and carry the child to pass seven crossroads. She walked and walked, day and night, and passed seven crossroads, but didn’t save the child. I think that the story illustrates desperation mixed with faith people present with when facing extreme circumstance. My great-grandmother (whom I never met) must have made that decision - I will try to save the child, no matter what. I wish there was a happy ending to it.

 

There are bad connotations to crossroads too. In medieval ages, criminals were punished and left there for everybody to see. Long ago in Ireland and England, people who took their own life were buried there, anonymously.  Sadly, a suicide was considered a crime in many places. Thankfully this law was changed. Old religious traditions vanished, legends about Gods blessing at the crossroads forgotten, folk stories about meeting devils were replaced by Marvel characters and it seems the only thing that crossroads represent nowadays is decision making. I feel the crossroads are only brought in, if someone tries to solve a big, internal conflict through a decision.

 

Sometimes the big decision can be followed by a few smaller ones. I bet everyone has found themselves at metaphorical crossroads and have had to make a crucial decision at some point in their lives. Everybody is affected by the decisions made. Being at the crossroads is usually a very uncomfortable place to be.  The bigger the internal conflict, deciding whether to choose right, left or straight ahead, the bigger the distress and emotional discomfort. Internal conflicts can be caused by our beliefs, whether they are to do with our abilities and self-worth or practical matters like money or morality.

 

One way or another, the purpose of crossroads are to take us somewhere new.

Beliefs are like cobble stones lying beneath the surface of crossroads. Invisible but immensely powerful. They impact decision making and the outcomes. If I believed that after leaving a job that is professionally useless for me and I find another, better one – my beliefs would work for me. If I believed that the job I had was my only option because nobody would employ me in a better environment – my beliefs hinder me. Both beliefs and habits are somehow developed, acquired or learned at some stage. It may be influenced by our upbringing, habits, personality, culture, environment, politics and so on. Virginia Satir believed that whatever we learn, we can unlearn, and whatever we haven’t learned, we have a chance to learn. This hopeful statement indicates that in therapy we could develop more helpful ways of thinking and acting and discard the ones that serve no purpose and bring destruction. 

 

A story I heard from a pastor comes to mind. It’s a story about a Christmas turkey. A daughter asked her mother why she always cuts the legs off of the Christmas turkey, why they were always separate and why the turkey could never be presented on the table in one piece. The mother answered that it is the only way of cooking the turkey right. The daughter could not understand the logic and culinary ideas behind it and kept asking questions. The mother said that her mother always made the turkey that way and it was the best way. The daughter decided to check with her grandmother why the turkey had to be cooked that way, and if it was really the best way. The grandmother said that there were many ways of cooking a Christmas turkey, however when she was young, she and her husband were very poor and only had one, small baking dish. In order to fit Christmas turkey in, she had to cut its legs to fit it in… and years later, having bought many baking dishes she still was used to that method… What is the point of this story? The point is that we sometimes do not question our beliefs or habits and blindly follow them. ‘This is the way things are done’…

 

The Christmas turkey story brings me to another philosophy that says: we are what we eat. The statement was very popular a few years ago, promoted by a person who claimed that what we eat can transform our lives. Only healthy foods. Plenty of raw vegetables and fruit, seeds and nuts. Only fancy healthy foods. Some recipes were like a joke, but hey, many people wanted to improve themselves through food. A few years ago, I fell for it like many other people, heads over heels. Not being as radical as the founder of this philosophy and not being able to follow the strict (and ridiculous) regime made me feel really inferior, weak and disappointed with myself.

 

Tara Brach – a wonderful meditation teacher – asks in one of her talks: who would I be if I didn’t believe there is something wrong with me? Please ask yourself this powerful question: who would you be, if you didn’t believe there was something wrong with you? Reflect on the answer. Who would I be if I only believed in the good? Who would you be if you believed in your internal goodness, instead of wrongness?

I followed the “you are what you eat” philosophy until a certain point when I learned that everything works in moderation for me. I am grateful for the fling with the “you are what you eat” philosophy because thanks to the negative feelings I discovered and embraced another philosophy: we are what we think we are. I follow that philosophy and most likely will always follow it.

‘We are what we think we are’ is exposed while being at the crossroads. In order to solve the internal conflict and make the right choice while trying to cross the crossroads, we need to examine or even challenge our beliefs. Exploring them in psychotherapy can help beyond any doubts. Meditation is a great tool, too.

Sometimes people don’t change because they don’t want to change. They might get stuck at the crossroads. They miss their chance and get stuck instaed. There might be many reasons why they don’t want to change – and I think this is alright too. We are all different and have different needs. What is good for me (taking a risk, moving on), might not be good for you. You might need lots of time to reflect while at the crossroads before you are ready to cross it. And vice versa.

 

‘All that we are

Is the result of what we think.

How then can a man escape being filled with hatred,

If his mind is constantly repeating…. He misused me,

He hit me, he defeated me, he robbed me - ?

Hatred can never put an end to hatred;

Hate is conquered only by love'.

Buddha