Identity

 

Who am I? It is a big, philosophical question that people have been asking since the beginning of time. From the Ancient Greek aphorism: ‘know thyself’ and the ancient Chinese Chuang Tzu butterfly dilemma, through Kant’s inner and outer self-constructing the self, to modern suggestions that you are what you eat. The question that people begin to ask themselves from an early age. That question develops with time, becomes multidimensional and might relate to different parts of being a human and life as a bigger picture. Who am I in terms of family dynamics, birth order, gender, sexuality, ethnicity, race, image, religion or moral beliefs, political views, and so on. That question is never separated from belonging. Who am I and where do I belong. Belonging to a family, a community, a county or a country, a religious group or a political party. These are external definitions and concepts that attempt to describe ‘self’ or ‘myself’. Do they really describe ‘the real me’? The real me that doesn’t wear any masks that society recommends and doesn’t dress in perception of who/what I am supposed to be.

 

There are people who are very comfortable with ‘sticking labels’ of the concepts that describe them the closest e.g. I am a Christian or a feminist and I wear those labels always and I am ready to ‘defend’ them, if needed. We need labels in order to make sense of the world. The labels become a problem if they are too tightly stuck and leave no room for anything else. People who live their life behind their labels might have no intention to see what is beyond/beneath it. It might be too scary. There are individuals who search for their ‘real selves’ and don’t settle for a label with a rainbow, a green ribbon or any other. They recognize that a label is an a way of describing reality, not reality itself. There is also a group of people who find their true identity by chance when tested by life’s challenges. Polish Nobel Prize winner Wislawa Szymborska said in one of her poems: ‘We know ourselves as much as we are willing to find out’ ('Znamy sie na tyle, na ile nas sprawdzono') It is easy to talk about theory using big fancy words in comfort. It is a different game when we are required to act on it in the midst of chaos that defines who we really are.

 

Every person has a task of developing the sense of self. According to Erik Eriksson it is the most important task every person has to accomplish. A unique identity, like a blue print. It takes time, though some individuals might show traits of personality from early on. That process might go smoothly from one developmental stage to another, nevertheless the process can be interrupted and the sense of self might be injured. The dangers that might injure the self are: adverse childhood events, trauma, shaming, criticism, and coercive control, to name a few. Diverse psychological or sociological theories explain how the self develops. Many theories agree that the self and the perception of self often do not match.

 

Not knowing who one is can create all sorts of problems. Puberty is the time when a young person tries to figure it out. And to fit in. Ideally it happens during that stage of development. Every life transition phase can bring the challenge of adjusting one's identity e.g. becoming parents for the first time. This quest is often compromised by the personal circumstance. All sorts of emotions can appear. It could be joy: I am finally maturing. Time to celebrate. Time to share, or time to embrace whatever was achieved or still left to achieve. Apprehension: what will other people think? Anxiety: to be cool, not weird. Fear: how to fit in. Sadness: not reaching real or imaginary standards. Frustration: things are not as one wishes they were. Anger: it doesn't feel right. 

Mature people often face this existential dilemma: who am I? Confusion might be brought because of life events or stages: the nest is suddenly empty, retirement is not as exciting as planned, unemployment abruptly destroyed self-worth, illness struck out of the blue or a beloved spouse died prematurely. Maybe someone was very busy and didn’t have the chance to stop and think: who am I? what am I about when things that describe me are gone? People might question themselves, their purpose and their place in the world. It can lead to a crisis or to crossroads. One wise man said that every person has a story that is like a mosaic  built from thousands of different elements. Mosaics might need to be destroyed in order to be reconstructed back again.  Telling one’s story can begin a healing process that will help to overcome the crisis and re-discover one’s identity and re-establishing one’s place in the world. Or pick a turn at the crossroads and arrive home.

Identity is closely connected to belonging and both are usually described by external definitions, circumstances or social norms. E.g. I am a mother, born in Poland, who became an Irish citizen, I fit in with people who like rock music. This gives an idea about me, but does not define who I am. There could be five hundred mothers, born in Poland who became Irish citizens, who fit in with people who like rock music. There is only one me. I identify with descriptions of me but they are not ‘my true self’.

According to Rev. angel Kyodo Williams ‘Your belonging belongs to you’. How do we belong to ourselves? How do we become ‘our true selves’? The short answer offered by Rev. angel is to find our own, inner truth about who we are; the truth that will not be shaken by opinions of others, changed by circumstance or life events and will remain steady in difficult situations. How do we find our own personal truth? The other short answer is by undertaking a journey, passing through the crossroads, by making a commitment to oneself, by willingness to change in the name of valuing our truth more than labels stuck to us that give some comfort in times of uncertainty (not to be mixed with being narcissistic: I don’t care what anyone else thinks). That journey is different for everyone and crossroads can bring a person to unexpected places. Psychotherapy or a spiritual practice with experienced practitioners can be an aid.

The Minister of Justice in a letter recognized that identity might take a form of a multidimensional form that stretches in time. That recognition allows for a few labels describing reality to be stuck together to bring a new meaning and bring a person closer to their own truth: ‘It's important to know that becoming an Irish Citizen does not mean giving up your identity from your homeland. It is an integral part of who you are and how you come to be here today. We want you to share your culture, traditions and stories with us. Over time they will become part of the fabric of our society and we will be richer for it’.

Finding personal truth is obviously not something every person is interested in. Dwelling on philosophical dilemmas is not everyone’s cup of tea. Neither is taking the practical approach when life throws testing events. Sometimes it’s easier to hide from the storm. Challenging what has been established to describe us because it works for others, or getting us out of ‘the box’ takes courage and determination. It can be very uncomfortable to the outside to get to know ‘our truth’ and accept it. Sometimes acceptance doesn’t happen (usually when ‘the truth’ intends to ‘shake the boat’) however it often leads to liberation and immense satisfaction.

BECOMING – Alice Walker (American Novelist well known for The Color Purple)

Me: Hello God.

God: Hello…

Me: I am falling apart. Can you put me together?

God: I would rather not.

Me: Why?

God: Because you are not a puzzle.

Me: What about all the pieces of my life that fall to the ground?

God: Leave them there for a while. They fell off for a reason. Let them be there for a while and then decide. If you need to get any of those pieces back.

Me: You don’t understand! I am breaking up!

God: No, you don’t understand. You are transcending, evolving. What you feel are growing pains. You are getting rid of the things and people in your life that are holding you back. The pieces are not falling down. The pieces are putting in place. Relax. Take a deep breath and let those things you no longer need fall down. Stop clinging to pieces that are no longer for you. Let them fall. Let them go.

Me: Once I start doing that, what will I have left?

God: Only the best pieces of yours.

Me: I am afraid to change!

God: I keep telling you: YOU ARE NOT CHANGING!! YOU ARE BECOMING!!

Me: Becoming, Who?

God: Becoming who I created you to be!  A person of light, love, charity, hope, courage, joy, mercy, grace and compassion. I made you far so much more than those shallow pieces you decided to adorn yourself with and that you cling to with so much greed and fear. Let those things fall off you! I love you! Don’t change! Become! Don’t change! Become! Become who I want you to be, who I created. I am gonna keep telling you this until you remembers.

Me: There goes another piece…

God: Yes. Let it be like this.

Me: So…I am not broken?

God: No, but you are breaking darkness, like dawn. It’s a new day! Become!! Become who you really are!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13nYeV_4TyY