Compassion is your super power*

 

‘Kill them with love’ - S. used to say to me while working together and dealing with extremely difficult customers. So we did… We killed them with love. S. used to make sure at the beginning that my killing was as good as hers. It progressed. The more I got the idea down the better it went. ‘Kill with love’ is a bit of an oxymoron, isn’t it? Love doesn't kill, does it? What S. meant is - no matter what they say or do - have compassion for them and patience. They are unwell. They might have no awareness of horrible they are being to other people. They have a very narrow tunnel vision of their own misery and perhaps feel better if they spread that misery around? If we treat them in the opposite way, perhaps it will plant a seed, which will grow and bear fruit in the future? It is a lovely way of changing the world and I am 100% for it, despite difficulties and frustrations it brings at times. It is so much easier to simply snap or ‘eat someone’ than feel loving kindness towards them…

The definition of ‘compassion’ from a dictionary explains that: it is sympathetic, a concern for the suffering and misfortunes of others. 

It shows one way of feeling – feeling for others. It says nothing about feeling compassionate for oneself. I wonder why...

Compassion is mostly a spiritual term. We don’t use it too often in modern, everyday life, until, sadly there is bereavement and we take a ‘compassionate leave’. Or something equally terrible happens and we feel compassion for the people affected. 

Perhaps the most famous embodiment of compassion in Europe is the sculpture by Michelangelo called ‘La Pieta’ (that translates: Pity or Compassion) displayed in St. Peter’s Basilic in Rome. It is a very real and perhaps a rough experience to see La Pieta...whether in a real or on a picture...It speaks volumes... The Mighty Church followed La Pieta in many ways for centuries. I think.

Buddhist philosophy recognized a very long time ago that compassion is a feeling that can be offered  to others, as well as for oneself. More than that, it is believed that if someone is unable to feel compassion for themselves, they might struggle to offer it to others… Perhaps this concept can be compared via the lenses of Christian philosophy of ‘Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself’ (King James Bible). Buddhist philosophy identified the importance of self-compassion a very long time ago as a tool that can transform suffering (or as a weapon combating misery: kill them with love…). Fortunately, the principles and teachings of Buddhist Philosophy have been known in the western world since the middle of the XX century. Thanks to many teachers who promote mediation and ideas such as Mindfulness and Loving Kindness – many of us got to know and experience the benefits of compassion/self-compassion. Luckily, the term ‘self-compassion’ and the idea of importance of having it was used to create Compassion Based Therapy, developed by Paul Gilbert, to address shame and self-criticism that leads to many psychological problems. After that, the concept spreads more and more in psychology and psychotherapy fields. It is still quite underground but more and more people are beginning to realize its value.

What does it mean to be self-compassionate? It means to give oneself the same warmth, kindness and understanding we would give to a good friend. It means forgiving ourselves and our imperfections instead of ignoring or denying the pain we feel. It means having patience with our stress and frustration and avoiding self-criticism and blame.

Professor Kristin Neff, a pioneer of research on self-compassion, thinks that self-compassion is very strongly linked with well-being. People who are self-compassionate towards themselves and compassionate towards others are well-balanced and have more resilience to deal with adverse life situations and circumstances. She sees no difference between self-compassion and compassion, in her opinion it is the very same thing. She thinks that if a person cannot treat themselves with love and respect they cannot fully treat others with love and respect. Two rhetorical questions: Would the reader agree with this statement? Why?

Professor Kristin Neff developed three components of self-compassion that are worth mentioning. These are:

1.     Self-kindness versus self-judgment  

2.     Common humanity versus isolation

3.     Mindfulness versus over-identification

Books have been written about these principles, I encourage you to read these books, if any combination of the words included in those principles are intriguing to you or ring a bell somehow.

I feel like those principles can be applied to any given situation or problem. Perhaps I could write a book about it too, however I narrow my interpretation to a statement that from my own experience. I know that people who feel a sense of duty and don’t go to sleep until the last item on the list is ticked off – have difficulty with finding self-compassion, simply to be good for themselves. Self-compassion is a training, like a form of martial arts that is designed to combat your demons or unhealthy habits. That training at some stage might transform into a life style or second nature.

From my experience, perhaps it is due to upbringing, conditioning or culture, it is much easier to be hard on oneself and expect much more from oneself than from others… 

Can you relate? Stay with this for a moment, please. 

Perhaps there are types of traits in certain personalities like a perfectionist who would beat themselves for not achieving 100% all the time (or 120% in extreme cases) that make them prone to being unkind to themselves. Maybe people in distress of anxiety and/or depression suffer because they do not know/understand/apply/use the power of self-compassion.

Regardless of the source that we cannot change – we have the power to go with the flow, not against the tide. Self-compassion can teach us how to do that. Why might someone want to do that? Simply – life is hard enough, why not make it easier and nicer for oneself and spread the good energy around. How do we do that? By becoming aware that self-compassion can become our super-power and we can be a super hero in our own life. By making the decision that we want to become more compassionate/self-compassionate. By taking actions following our decisions. By commitment to these actions. Where do we start? A bit of research can give us the direction that is right for us. Thankfully we live in a world of online research that can lead us to finding many answers and advices. I am certain that therapy with a therapist familiar with Loving kindness and Mindfulness or trained in Compassion Based Therapy can help. Other than that joining a meditation group cultivating principles of compassion (not all meditation schools concentrate on it) and sticking to the practice. Finally enrolling to a course or workshop on self-compassion can be a great start.

Below – compassion in action:

My Christmas Poem

My Christmas wish this year

Is for people who live in fear

It’s for people far and near

To show them that I care

Of course they cannot hear me

But I would like them to know

That’s lots of people care and pray

And how to stop this awfulness

How?

This is why my Christmas wish

Is for peace, love and joy

For people who are sorrowful

For them to be sorrowful no more

By Ang (12y)

 

And a beautiful song send to me by J. my dear  RAIN Partner while staying in hospital this year in the midst of Covid – another example of compassion in action - Thank you J. for your presence and thank you thank you thank you - if you ever read this - you know...

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JjOO9nLvzWc&t=34s

*Compassion is your superpower - the title of this post has been inspired after listening to the interview with Michelle Maldonado by Tami Simon Sounds True with a similar wording.